02 November 2010

Day 2

Tonight's writing exercise was this:

Go through your first chapter, and write internal dialog for your character. This internal dialog should give us glimpses into what your viewpoint character thinks and feels.

As you do this, try to have fun with it. Consider ways that the internal dialog might create a sense of duality in your character by completely mismatching spoken words. For example, a young woman might tell her teacher, “That’s a lovely dress!” while thinking, Her behind is so big, when she walks she looks like a couple of pigs trying to fight their way out of a gunnysack!”

So I took the first page of my Nanonovel (which is going well so far) and did this. I actually think I do a pretty good job of this (yes, I am probably cursing myself, and I'm going to confirm, or deny, this tomorrow with Mr. Farland) but I found a few things to add. Check out the stuff on bold.

Truk plucked a glass of wine from a passing server. He gave the tech a big smile, and he was almost sure she blushed.

“Have you found anything yet?” Truk muttered into his collar.

“Patience, my friend.” Kade's voice came over the earpiece. Truk glanced over to where his friend was surrounded by a gaggle of beautiful, rich women. Right in his element.

“We're not here to find you a wife,” Truk admonished. Seriously, the guy would drag the whole lot of them around all night, smiling and flirting with them.

“We're not?” Kade glanced over, blinking in confusion. He wasn't very tall, but Kade had sandy hair highlighted with blue Tech, and all of the ladies thought he was “adorable”. Or so Kade said. The ladies around him all laughed. Truk rolled his eyes. Why did he put up with this guy again?

“Just keep your eyes open, we're here on business.”

The admonition was probably not necessary. Kade was easily distracted, but he never missed a mark. And that would be why Truk put up with him. That and Kade was handy in a fight.

Truk looked around and moved towards a group of high class businessmen. Most of them were bios, but some of them were obviously majority percent Tech. The new trend these days was to wear your Tech with pride. Like clothes, people now showed off their Tech eyes, hands, half faces and even some hair. Although why anyone would want Tech hair, which still looked like a mass of writhing, wire thin snakes, was beyond Truk.

For the party, Truk was sporting an eye and nose Tech combination. None of it was real, Truk was less than 20% Tech, and most of that was from an accident when he was a kid. No, Truk usually kept his Tech well hidden. Unlike these bozos who thought rich made them real people.

“It's the damnedest thing,” one of the businessman said, “I was recovering from surgery and I could already see through walls and everything!”

The man was sporting a brand new Tech eye, a double eye, half bio and half Tech. The tech side was glowing green and the bio side was a contrasting color of purple.

“The last time I tried an eye the surgeon almost cut my cornea in half.” This man laughed. “Of course that would just mean a free upgrade for me!” Did this guy even know what a cornea was?

The group laughed. Truk tried not to roll his eyes as he passed. He wasn't particularly sympathetic towards wealthy, business owners who could upgrade their Techs whenever fashion dictated. Truk saw too many kids who needed medical Tech, whose family could not afford it. These guys were laughing about an upgrade while there were plenty of people in the system who were on death's door because of a lack of medical attention.

“Got it.” Kade's voice came through the ear implant. Finally.

“Where?” Truk was relieved to be pulled away from the pompous aristocrats. Although he shouldn't complain too much, one of them was paying him today.

“Far side, at the bottom of the staircase. Blue dress, killer legs.”

Legs? Of course Kade would notice her legs.

Truk took a sip of his wine and set the glass down on a passing tray. He straightened his tie and moved in the direction Kade indicated. The crowd parted around him. Truk was tall, so it was easy to spot what Kade had.

Sure enough, there it was. Blue dress and . . . “Ah.” He said. Seriously?

“I told you, killer legs.” Kade caught his eye and gave him a wink. “You want back up?”

“Maybe,” Truk grunted. Killer legs, whose idea was that?

He snatched two glasses of something that was glowing orange off of a passing tray. Without skipping a step, he turned and stopped right in front of the figure in blue.

“Would you?” He asked, putting on his most charming smile.

The woman, or what looked like a woman anyway, allowed her eyes to roam from the top of Truk's head, down to his feet and back up again. Like what you see? She gave him an appraising glance and took the glass. “I don't usually.”

“I was hoping you might make an exception?” This is the other reason I bring Kade along, this is his specialty. Why am I doing this again?

She smiled seductively and took a sip from the glass. “Perhaps.”

Truk took a sip as well. Mostly to hide his annoyance. “You know, this might sound like a come on line, but who did your legs? They're,” he paused, “interesting.” That ought to get her attention.

The woman raised an eyebrow. Truk was almost sure he could hear the Tech bits whirring as she did so. “Interesting?” She actually pulled off a pout. “Men usually have something more, interesting, to say about them.”

“Oh,” Truk put an arm past her, trapping her between him and the staircase rail, and leaned in. This worked every time. “Trust me, darlin', interesting is one of my most complimentary words.”

2 comments:

Antiquarian said...

interesting *wink*

Tohru said...

I liked the additions...although people have mentioned that I tend toward sarcastic my own self.